The love of the Cold

Other than that, getting hypothermia is a bit like being pissed.The cold… I hate the cold, which seems strange for someone who spends so much of their time on it. When I say I hate the snow, I really mean it, I really hate the damn cold, it has no redeeming features; it gives you goosebumps, makes you shiver and it shrinks your dick too!

sexy-snowboardExcessive exposure to the cold is referred to as cold stress. Cold stress can be summarised as the bodily problems and maladies relating to the cold…including hypothermia!

I have decided to write about the cold this week as I am in the coldest place I think I have EVER been; Breckenfridge. I mean Breckenridge. I went shredding today and with a combination of actual cold and wind chill the overall temperature was -55! What is that all about? Why the hell do people move to live in a place this cold? Why the hell have I done it? Well I know why I’ve done it, I had to go somewhere or do something to keep the sponsors happy!

o back to the hill, it was -55 and I though I was going to die. My core (that’s the muscles beneath the river of perfect washboard abs on my torso!!!) was quivering like a teenage virgin and the inside of my head actually might have frozen. I was shredding with Nate Kern, and sadly he’s that dedicated to snowboarding he forced us all to stay out. So I spent 4 hours in the icy windy cold, doing laps in the ferocious Breckenridge park, contemplating whether I was actually dying or what I was doing was even fun!
When I got back home I did some research on the cold, mainly to guilt Nate about keeping me out so long, and I was massively shocked about what I learnt.
Four factors contribute to cold stress: cold temperatures, high or cold wind, dampness and cold water. A cold environment forces the body to work harder to maintain it’s temperature. Cold air, water, and snow all draw heat from the body.

large_BreckenridgeAaronDodds
Everyone knows that over-exposure to the cold will eventually lead to hypothermia.. but not everyone ones what that is, I didn’t really fully understand it… I just thought it killed Nan’s in the winter. Apparently there are 3 groups; mild, moderate and severe Hypothermia. Here’s some facts for you:
Mild occurs when the body is at 36-32 Celsius, and is a bit like being a bit pissed and walking home in a t-shirt in September; you shiver a bit, lose coordination, have memory loss and slur your speech.
Moderate Hypothermia occurs at a body temperature of 30-29 degrees Celsius. It’s a bit like getting home from the pub a bit drunk… You’ve made it home; your shivering stops, but you can’t move anymore and you’re confused and irrational.
Severe hypothermia is the next stage in home/pub drunkenness and happens when your body gets to below 29 degrees Celsius. You log onto youporn, have severe muscle stiffness and, upon completion, become very sleepy or unconscious… except with hypothermia your skin turns black and you can die.
Prevention of cold stress and hypothermia is all about dressing right, so pay attention cool kids. You need three layers on average
an outer layer to break the wind… so a t-shirt or a denim jacket ain’t gonna cut the mustard!
A middle layer of down or wool… which reminds me, ‘How do you get down from a horse? You can’t… you can only get it from a goose! Ha ha! and a base layer something breathable, tattoos do not count!
You have gotta wear a hat, 40% of your body heat leaves through your head, so you gotta wrap it up warm. Long hair and jester hats do not count… in fact I think a jester hat will make you look a right dick, so don’t wear them…  EVER! I think I would probably rather die a cold shivery slow death than wear a jester hat!
90% of hypothermia prevention website recommend that you do NOT wear tight clothing. So, I’m sorry to break the news to all you hipsters, but your dicks are probably gonna drop off if you keep riding in jeans.  I guess on the plus side with no dick you’ll probably be able to squeeze into even tighter jeans though.
Another problem I have with the cold is that I seem to lose all sense of motivation and desire to snowboard. I mean does anyone really want to get out their nice warm bed to go do some big jumps that make you almost defecate your britches? That isn’t even the worse part, it’s the chair lift up and the icicles that form on your scrotum that annoy me! Also why is it only when it’s freezing cold that the chair lift stops every two second increasing the icicle to bawbag ratio… obviously in favour of the icicles!
During my extensive wikipedia research I also wanted to dispel the myth that it is too cold to snow. Too cold to snow? What is that all about? Surely snow is cold and more cold would only benefit the snowy conditions? WRONG! Apparently it is all to do with water vapour or moisture in the air. When the temperature decreases, the potential water vapour in the air decreases, so less vapour means less precipitation (snow).
Other sources of research from professionals, say that wikipedia is absolute rubbish! For instance it is uncommon for snow to fall at absolute zero (-273 Celsius)… so believe what you want!
All I know is that I hate the cold and am reconsidering my career choices! I wish I paid more attention in school.


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+ komentar + 2 komentar

March 5, 2010 at 12:03 AM

thanks

September 3, 2010 at 11:46 PM

Oh my god. This almost made me pissed myself. Who ever you are that wrote it you are witty and grand. "Quivering like a teenage virgin". GOLD!

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